I define "self-deprecation" as the art of making fun of oneself to the enjoyment and for the benefit of others. This is an Art-form. When its done right, others see themselves in you and smile. When its done wrong others don't see themselves in you. ...they don't smile. When "self-deprecation" is done poorly, it becomes self-degrading. Self-deprecation is an Art-form which I practice with various degrees of success and failure. Lately, its been mostly the later.
Ever feel like you are the only soldier in a police action? Like you've been deployed for too long and maybe its time for your tour to be over? I'm there.
I chose my profession with purpose. I was able to devote time to my kids while they were growing up. Now I can write and create in my head while I clean at the same time. When I was creating for a paycheck I was doing other peoples creating and RE-creating.... It doesn't work that way for me. I need to create my own reality. Everyone does.
Sometimes even cleaning can get to me. Especially when I feel I'm the only one cleaning. "Mommy works here..." they say. There is no need for anyone to be conscientious. No need to worry about "Teamwork" or working together towards a common goal is how it makes me feel.
Under these circumstances I find it hard to create my own reality. I find it hard to be self-deprecating. Thats when I pray. ...and shut my mouth. OR climb a Mountain....
I need a "Mountain Top Experience"!
In years past, I would have climbed French Point Peak and disappeared with my Bible. I can't do that anymore 'cause I tarnished that place with a failed relationship a while back. My special place is no longer pristine. I tried to reconsecrate it but I found I couldn't. Too many bad memory's. It was one of those deals where you risk everything for the sake of the relationship, only to find you have given to much of yourself away to soon and when the thing fails you have nothing left. Not even the place that recharges you and makes you the "Holy Madman of Mirth" that is the real you.
Time to find a new mountain to climb. A place where I might be able to go with the right person, but only after a healthy commitment. Climbing mountains is hard. Climbing mountains isn't so hard when you do it with someone special. Sometimes, even if the trip is hard its worth it if you're holding the right hand. Then you have companionship going down the other side and the journey is more pleasurable.
In my Heart of Hearts, I am the embodiment of Christ. In real life I'm more like "Crusty the Clown", maybe even Jackie Gleason's "Poor Soul". No matter how hard I try to do the right thing, somehow things come around wrong.
Sometimes I'm just too independent. I realize now that I need to learn to compromise more in my relationships. With my kids, co-workers, friends and potential spouses. I can't compromise in my Art though. That would benifit no-one, or make them smile.