Friday, February 20, 2009

This story is a TRUE story...Worst Blind Date EVER!

Sallah: Dr. Indiana Jones' beloved and trusted friend: [catches date and points to dead monkey] "Bad dates."


Its strange how we never know who we know knows who....

I was sitting there in the lunch room today and reading the newspaper because I left my book at home. I read or call Mom now so I don't feel tempted to go out on the "Death Dock" and smoke. I inadvertently overheard a conversation in the other room when an old friend "Dave" from my youth was mentioned.

I haven't thought about Dave in years. He was my 3rd Man at Grand Union in Stuyvesant Plaza back in the late 70s. We hung out after work. Went to the "Mad Hatter" on Saturday nights after work looking for "chicks". When he had a Band I painted the Backdrop. Their name was "The Blue Mountain Riders" and they played stuff like "Pure Prairie League".

Eventually Dave found a Girlfriend and I became the 3rd wheel.


So Dave set me up with his Girlfriends sister. I should have known what was coming when he said (tongue-in-cheek):

"All the girls love her and she's a wonderful Dancer..."

(...It was a long time ago so I'm not really sure what her name was so I'll call her Kathy just to make things simple.)

Dave and I had planned to go see the then new movie: Moonraker at the old Hellman Theater on Washington Avenue across the street from the SUNY Campus. I barrowed Dad's 75 Pontiac Grand Am. and went in to work for a shift at Grand Union. When my shift was over, I changed and threw my work clothes in the back seat of the Grand Am. Dave and I then went to pick up the girls at their parents house in Dave's Car.

When we got there I was taken aback immediately. I knew Dave's Girlfriend, she was petite, brunette, and about my height. They were supposed to be twins. But her sister was well over 6ft tall and weighed two of me!

Dave and his Girlfriend sat up front while Kathy and I sat in the back trying to seem amicable. I was still a little shocked, but being me I tried to get to know Kathy, she seemed nice and we conversed uneasily.

When we got to the Theater, Dave paid for himself and his Girlfriend first and then went right for the Concession Stand. I reached for my wallet and found an empty pocket! I tried to wave Dave down but he and his date took their Popcorn and ran into the Theater to get good seats....

This was not going well. My wallet was in my work pants in the back seat of my Dad's Car! Well, I smiled, explained that I was nervious about our date, and... I must have left my wallet in my work pants pocket.... [DAH!] Kathy rolled her eye's and said:

"Alright, if you can pay me back I'll pay for the tickets just so we can get out of this line...."

She bought the tickets, some Popcorn and Sodas and we went into see the movie. Dave and his date were waiting for us. Of course Dave had 10th row center seats. I moved into the row and sat next to Dave while Kathy sat on my left.

It was the late 70s, almost the 80s, Leisure Suits and Big Hair were on their way out, well almost.... The Woman in front of me was hanging on to a trend that should have begun and ended with Abbie Hoffman. Dave, of course, was sitting behind the shiniest of Chrome Domes! I looked over at him and smiled... "What took you so long?" he said.... He was sitting pretty with the BIGGEST Bucket O' Popcorn smothered in butter you could buy!

The movie began and I started dodging the "POOF" in front of me. If any of you remember this movie, and are a big fan of Bond, you will remember that it was pretty bad! Somewhere along the line Dave and I began heckling it between ourselves. Dave's Girlfriend began to get embarrassed and asked him to stop. Chrome Dome gave us a dirty look! This only served to inspire us, we were having TOO MUCH FUN! Dave has a laugh that is somewhere between contagious and a snicker. Every time I heard him laugh I couldn't help but laugh along with him.

...just then, Dave's Girlfriend gave Dave a shot to the ribs! She caught him completely unawares!

The next thing you know, Dave's BUCKET O' POPCORN goes straight up in the air...

In slow motion, I watched as it turned upside-down (retaining all of the Popcorn and the butter in the bucket) and then came down DIRECTLY ON CHROME DOMES ALREADY SHINNY HEAD! It fit as snuggly as a OJ's Glove.

Chromie turns, butter dripping down his nose onto his chin....

Dave, didn't even hesitate. He pointed right at his Girlfriend and said deadpan as you please:

"She did it..."

Some how the guy (who was built like a bricklayer) didn't kill any of us. As I remember, Dave borrowed some Kleenex from the girls and I still have a picture in my head of him apologizing profusely while wiping down this guys head and stifling a giggle.


When the movie ended we went back and got my Dad's car and I paid Kathy back the money she had loaned me. We went to the "Across the Street Pub" for a few drinks and had a good time laughing about the nights folly. Kathy seemed not to mind the mishap with my wallet, conversation progressed, and the Beers and Jellybean Shots began to accumulate. I became comfortable enough with Kathy to loosen up. I thought maybe we could be friends. BIG MISTAKE. I may have been slightly inebriated, but I knew that we were not right for each other from the start. However, apparently she had become enamored with me.

I took Kathy home to her house in the Grand Am. I pulled into her driveway and down an alleyway between her house and the neighbors, where I stopped a few feet from the back door to let her out. She continued to chat and NOT GET OUT OF THE CAR. I made small talk, turned the car off, turned it on, turned it off again... (She wanted a good night kiss and I knew that it just wouldn't be right to lead her on, but I didn't know how to get her to take a hint...)

...just then, a window on the side of the house flew open and her Father flung his head out the window and screamed:

"Give her a kiss and go home so I can get some sleep already!!!"

I pecked Kathy on the cheek. She said an embarrassed goodnight and ran into the house. I backed out of the driveway as quickly and as quietly as I could and sped off down Russel Road taking the back way to my parents house.

Resolving never again to go on a blind date!


Worst thing is... I saw her again about 6 months later. She had lost at least one of me, was all legs, and drop-dead-gorgeous! when next I heard from Dave she had just gotten engaged.

Just my luck. I'll bet she was a wonderful dancer too!



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